Walk with me?

An old man asks a young man if he'd walk with him..
After some thought, the young man agrees.. he was any way looking to kill some spare time
And so they begin..

The old man is frail and his voice is weak.. he asks "will you take me to the same path where we walked last time?"
It is barely audible and the young man is irritated with the mumbling... having trouble figuring out what the old man wants
After some effort he has finally heard it. but it still makes no sense.. "when did we walk here last time?" he wonders

Last time it was a young man holding the hand of a young boy.. walking along with him, listening patiently to his nonsensical childish musings and playing along with his childish games

Life

What a fool i have been to cry over small aches and pains
You are the one suffering, you've lost a part of you
I am sorry for you
I wish I could bring back what you have lost, but I cant
I am also sorry for not valuing what I have
I have been sad when I should have been thankful

I am sorry for your loss

The unsaid

My thoughts...
Holding your hand,
knowing you will catch me if I fall
Learning how to walk
Reaching out to the sky... moving outside the lines
I stumble and discover the pain of falling
it isn't easy, could have let you stop me
the lines are beginning to fade... because I did not follow them?
wanted to discover the unknown, not leave you or hurt you
but my thoughts do not matter.. because you only heard what I said

Really!??

OMG reading my last few posts makes me realize how gloomy it all sounds! what a sad person I've become.. to make matters worse, I was thinking of writing another sad and depressing post on self reflection and a rant on my problems blah blah blah.. I'm feeling low just thinking about the blahs
I guess posts are an easy outlet for all the sad thoughts and random self doubts that creep into your mind.. a good way to keep all of these dull thoughts from coloring (or rather discoloring) the rest of your interactions in life

I've been staring at this for the last 10 minutes but still cant come up with something happy and cheerful to write.. and since I do not want to add to the long list of dull posts, I guess I'll just end this here... till some happy thoughts make their way to this spot

Would it be worth it?

If only I could stop and think if it would all be worth it?

Moving on, leaving something behind
growing up, getting to far from things you loved
expanding your horizons, leaving less and less time for every little thing

Where will it take me in the end?
Would it be worth it?


(written on July 15, 2010)

Moving on...

can i hold on to someone who no longer wants to be held? do i even need to hold on - am i just imagining that there's a pull away from me?
is someone replacing me? or am i just not needed anymore? would it feel less awful if I can blame someone and direct my anger towards that person? but can i really blame anyone? i can probably just accept it and move on, it hurts because someone else moved on, others might have been hurt when i was on the other side - when i moved on and they did not.. i probably didn't even spare a thought then, shouldn't i be equally nonchalant now? i so desperately want to do something, make things go back to the way they were, but i feel so helpless... they don't even realize... and i can see how this could become a self fulfilling prophecy.. my fears will make me think twice about every conversation, will lead to controlled emotions and artificial behavior... distances will widen...

Something I read today...

"Today I want to do things to be doing them,
not to be doing something else.

I don't want to drive to get there,
make live to have climaxes,
or study to "keep abreast".

I don't want to do things to sell myself on myself.
I don't want to do nice things for people so that I will be "nice".
I don't want to work to make money,
I want to wok to work.

Today I don't want to live for,
I want to live."

   - From the book "Notes to myself" by Hugh Prather
 

Just in case I forget!

It has happened before and I just can not stop worrying that it might happen again. Growing up, we've all had "best friends" we thought we'd be together with for ever, no matter what.. and then somewhere along the way, we turned different ways and drifted apart... But then, as you grow older you hope that the friends you make now would truly be for life... nothing has happened for me to doubt that, but I thought I'll just put in a note about all the great things I love about this person, as a reminder for such a time if it ever comes..
I wish I could be like you in soo many ways..
I just can not stop admiring how comfortable  you are with your self! It just makes it so much easier to appreciate good things in others without falling into the trap of comparing them to yourself and going down a self doubt path!
Whenever I look at you I see someone who is happy and content and just enjoying life.. it brings a smile to my face and I wish I could be like that!
Being so very thoughtful about others! your love and affection for the elderly (even if you don't know them) is just so adorable. and, your legendary love for your sister! I don't even know if I have that much warmth in my heart to spread around!
and that laughter! it is to die for.. it just sums up who you are!
I wish you were here and we could talk about life into the wee hours of the night, gossip, talk about our dreams for the ideal future :)

This is for me, if I am ever an idiot to forget why I am so lucky to have a great friend like you!

Some wandering thoughts...

The last few months were long and yet they went by in a whizz... there were moments of self realization, when I caught myself trying to be someone I am not, triggering bouts of identity crisis when I struggled to define who I am, come up with a list of characteristics that tersely sums me up. And that's when I started wondering whether I need a list like that at all.. this entire thought process is like a penrose staircase which just makes your head go round and round in circles!

But there were a few (all too familiar) things from the past, which came back (a bit too strongly, at times, for comfort). Personality traits which I have been trying to shed for long, ones which have cost me friendships in the past. And then there were instances when I realized that the "image" of being a good person is so fragile that it is almost impossible to sustain - unless of course you are truly a selfless person who's mind is only occupied by doing good for others. Calculating to be nice is such an oxymoron, its not meant to be.

But then whats the other way? what if you don't have the cunningness to be at the other end either? then you are just stuck in the middle in a not so good spot! flashes of selfish acts which would always keep you from attaining sainthood and the disciplining inner self which would always stop you form committing those acts of pure selfishness to achieve all you want! As I go over this in my head, it occurs to me that thinking about what other people around you think has the biggest role to play in this desire to be "someone" - do people think of me as a nice person, do they think I am cunning or driven (to give it a positive shade) or do they think I am confused or worst of all do they not think of me at all! Its so hard to just stop caring about what people think! Just letting go of the thought - who would read this (if I were to post it) and what perception of me it would trigger - is so hard to do!

The fact of the matter is that no one really cares! I know it and yet its hard to believe it.. life would just become so much simpler if I took "people" out of the picture - only when it comes to basing my actions and reactions on how they would be judged - in everything else, I love people :)

...

A vacuum is taking shape.

I can already feel like I am being pulled inside, as if I were drowning.. and when I get too deep, its hard to fall any further.

I can feel my eyes welling up and its hard to stop it...

But I cant cry right now... I am supposedly having a conversation with this lady in front of me. I am sorry dear lady.. its hard to listen when I am drowning inside.

I'm trying to stop the tears from rolling down but it is making my eyes burn.. I can feel my face turn red.

I wish I could run away and cry, cry out loudly!

I wish I could hold on to everything that is slipping away so quickly and preserve it for eternity!