Some wandering thoughts...

The last few months were long and yet they went by in a whizz... there were moments of self realization, when I caught myself trying to be someone I am not, triggering bouts of identity crisis when I struggled to define who I am, come up with a list of characteristics that tersely sums me up. And that's when I started wondering whether I need a list like that at all.. this entire thought process is like a penrose staircase which just makes your head go round and round in circles!

But there were a few (all too familiar) things from the past, which came back (a bit too strongly, at times, for comfort). Personality traits which I have been trying to shed for long, ones which have cost me friendships in the past. And then there were instances when I realized that the "image" of being a good person is so fragile that it is almost impossible to sustain - unless of course you are truly a selfless person who's mind is only occupied by doing good for others. Calculating to be nice is such an oxymoron, its not meant to be.

But then whats the other way? what if you don't have the cunningness to be at the other end either? then you are just stuck in the middle in a not so good spot! flashes of selfish acts which would always keep you from attaining sainthood and the disciplining inner self which would always stop you form committing those acts of pure selfishness to achieve all you want! As I go over this in my head, it occurs to me that thinking about what other people around you think has the biggest role to play in this desire to be "someone" - do people think of me as a nice person, do they think I am cunning or driven (to give it a positive shade) or do they think I am confused or worst of all do they not think of me at all! Its so hard to just stop caring about what people think! Just letting go of the thought - who would read this (if I were to post it) and what perception of me it would trigger - is so hard to do!

The fact of the matter is that no one really cares! I know it and yet its hard to believe it.. life would just become so much simpler if I took "people" out of the picture - only when it comes to basing my actions and reactions on how they would be judged - in everything else, I love people :)