How do I tell you I love you?

Ok, so before everyone gets all excited, let me clarify that I am not about to propose to someone or talk about my secret love for anyone!

The title was just to get your attention :)

 

It might have always been like this or maybe things have changed recently, but I guess I noticed/ reacted to this only recently.

How do you tell your loved ones you care for them, or that you are happy for them?

I used to think a smile is all it takes to convey your happiness.. but off late it has become a lot more complicated. There are so many parameters that go into gauging your level of happiness:

1. the volume of your voice - a loud "Wow" as apposed to a more subtle one

2. loud hand gestures

3. gifts - this is the last straw.. that's like holding out a placard saying "I am happy for you"

And then its all about who scores more points!

 

It makes me want to pull my hair out! One shouldn't have to do all that to express "true" feelings..

Once you get in that competition, it no longer remains a question of the feelings but instead it becomes all about winning the competition!

 

But, I understand its not all that simple either..

It is also a function of who's the subject for these feelings (Person "S")

Does the competition make you feel insecure about the strength of your relationship with person "S"?

Because if it was only person "S" and you, then it would really not matter that much whether you bring flowers/ gifts/ etc.. (at least from your standpoint, "S" might be expecting a gift and then you would end up in a mess if you don't.. but that mismatch of expectations is another matter for another day)

 

I guess it all boils down to one of the seven sins, which I consider to be the deadliest and the most prevalent, - envy.

If you take envy out of the picture, then it becomes easy to not look at the situation as a competition.

So, I think this is how it would be in world (without envy):

you would just be happy for your "S" and that would be it.

if "X" does something nice for "S", instead of feeling threatened, or the need to establish the superiority of your love, you'd again be happy for "S" (in short you'd be a saint)

 

I wonder how one get rid of the feeling of envy? I doubt it would be easy, otherwise it would not have been able to claim a spot among the 7 "deadly" sins!

And I being a mere mortal, will leave it at that and not try to offer a solution!

The Graph of Wisdom

As I approach my (oh I cant even bring my self to say it) nth b'day I cant help but wonder if I've become any wiser.

I look at my cousin sister who's 3 years younger than me, and even though I try not to, I keep critically scrutinizing her every action, making a mental note of what she's not doing right!

I know how much I would have hated it if someone did that to me.. Coz at age "n" (I will not let my age out! very careful about that) I believe that I am wise enough to know right from wrong, make my own decisions, and not be judged. And I am sure she believes the same at "n-3".

But there must be someone out there at "n+3" who if given a chance, would easily identify faults in my actions, thought process..

 

Is there an age when you attain a basic level of wisdom when you can rise above this scrutiny by people older than you? There has to be a time when just age does not allow others to claim they are wiser than you..

 

Is the inflection point the state when people are so old that they start going senile (no disrespect to the elders here)? or is it before that?

Would a 43 year old be wiser than a 40 year old? (assuming all other conditions are similar)

Is it that people do keep getting wiser as they grow older, if nothing else, purely due to the extra experience?

Is it that people just learn to not offer advice/ correct others because as you get older you get more and more closed to learning?

--> Which would then act against the idea that you keep getting wiser with age..

--> so there has to be an inflection point when the wisdom vs time curve become a straight line or start going down for some poor souls!

 

That brings me back to where I started from... when do I know that I've reached that inflection point?

What a shame if I am not getting any wiser! That was the only saving grace!!

 

If I have to get dumber or stagnate from here on then why couldn't I have been 16 (or some other nice age) all my life?

 

To Crib or Not to Crib

This is one of those moments when I just want to write something.. I dont know what to write or why I want to write..

Arent there times when you just desperately want to talk to someone, then you start going over the people in your list whom you can talk to.. and it turns out you dont want to talk to any of them.

You just want to talk but dont know what to say and its so difficult to just pick up the phone and call someone and say "Hi, I want to talk, but I have nothing to say!"

Wow! I'd really bow to the person on the other end, if he/she is not exasperated and doesnt bang the phone down (if its over phone) or make a face if the poor soul has to do it in person..

So, any way to cut the long story short, this is one of those times. And, its such a relief to be able to just talk nonsense and not have your computer make faces at you!

 

Now the question is why cant one be happy just talking to oneself?

You can expect maximum understanding from yourself, specially when it comes to such emotions which are hard to put into words

One very valid and I think the primary reason is that its kind off loony to talk to yourself.. once in a while is fine, but it'll be really bad if it becomes a habit!

Just imagine! your friend comes and asks you if you want to watch a movie and you tell them, "sorry yaar I'm kind of in a middle of a discussion with my self"!!

Another reason could be attributed to the famous saying, "Man is a social animal" blah blah blah..

Blah because this social animal thing just puts so much unnecessary pressure to be social all the time! I'd like to get a break from it and be able to talk to my self without bothering about whether it conflicts with my being an enough of a social animal!

 

Talking about unnecessary pressure, another one I just hate is having to live up to your own image! Its just so frustrating at times..

Like a serious person "S" is expected to be serious all the time. So if the "S"goes to a party with friends, he/she might want to act crazy and dance his feet off (I'm not sure if that even makes sense) but, the "image" of the serious person would be lurking behind him, constantly bogging him down from acting out to his impulse! and not just that, everyone around "S" would also expect him to be serious, and not really encourage crazy behavior. And its not just about serious people.

It so holds true if you have a party animal image too. A party animal "P" can just not sit quietly at a party and enjoy the music! No! everyone will ask, "What happened 'P'?".. "I don't believe it, you are sitting down calmly! how can it be!".. the worst one is "Whats wrong, is something bothering you, 'P'?" OMG!

 

Well I think I've cribbed my way out of the strange mood :)

 

Thank god the computer does not crib back!

 

P.S: If after reading this you are tempted to relate it back to some thing which happened some day and go like "Oh! So that's why she was acting so strange the other day" or something to that effect, Please dont! This is a work of fiction, and has not resemblance to any person living or dead :P

Dear diary

Have you ever felt like you are leading a scripted life, where nothing is spontaneous or natural?

 

I actually dont know who I am referring to when I say 'you' here but that's how you are probably supposed to write.

Its like writing in a diary.. "Dear Diary. Have you ever.. "

If you think of it, its quite dumb to expect to open your diary the next day and find a response "Dear Megha, In response to your question.. "

I am writing and I realize that this is not as dumb as that because I can still have someone respond to what I write..

Well I guess this is why people think out aloud and brainstorm.. I had thought about this little joke before I started writing and thought it was very clever.. but when I actually started writing I realized the flaw..

So it helps in solving conundrums (its so difficult to use such complicated words, so I am happy that I used 'conundrum'.. I think if I use one difficult word in every post, I'll get the hang of it)

 

Dear oh dear!! How I've digressed!! but if you think about it. this digression in some ways answers the question I started with!

I think these random wanderings of my mind were spontaneous..

 

Phew! What a relief!

 

Worried about being Worried about being Worried about.....

As I prepare my self for what is touted as the most grueling two years, I am mastering the art of killing time.

When I resigned, with 3 months to go before I had to leave, almost everyone I met seemed pretty shocked. Everyone asked me "what are you going to do??"

I had no plans.. and initially I was pretty sure I didn't want to make any..But after being asked the same thing like the nth time, even I started wondering if I should be worried...

 

Ok, so 1 of those 3 months is already over! And, I have actually had fun!

 

If you ask me what I've been doing, I wont really have an answer, because I've done nothing much..

And as I prepare for the next 2 months, I still don't have any great plans.. I guess most of my time will go in doing nothing..

Now, I'm worried if I should be worried that I am not getting worried about getting bored! Is this a sign? Should I be worried?

 

I don't really know if I should be worried or not or whether I should be getting bored or not or whether I should be doing something else..

I guess I can take out some time to think about that!

Living for yourself...

Now, I am not sure if that is possible..


Do you think you can honestly look at your life and say that everything you've done has been to cater to your own selfish desires? If you have, I bow down to you!


Invariably critical decisions in our life are directly or indirectlydictated by others (what I'll call "stakeholders" in our life, henceforth)..
"which school you go to", "what subjects you opt for", "whether you become an engineer or a doctor or an artist", "which graduation school you join", "which job you take", "where you live", "who you marry", and so on..


Its not that we are the victims in this whole scheme of things.. It generally makes us happy to think we've achieved something for someone else, just like a kid feels happy to think/ know he's made his parent's proud by securing good marks in school! In fact, in many instances we even seek approval, from these "stakeholders", for things we could have been doing just for ourselves.. Take this blog for example, I could be writing for just myself, but a part of me would want approval/ appreciation/ encouragement from people around me...


The question is that at the end of the day would all or any of these "stakeholders" be there when you look back and realize that you never did what you wanted, that you never did anything just for yourself? Would it give you comfort if they say, even if you are not happy, "we are happy because you did it for us"? And, if that does give you comfort, would they be there to tell you that?


No matter what resolutions I make, I am myself unable to break free from this self imposed desire to please the "stakeholders" in my life. I don't know why and I don't know how to break free from this.


What I do know is that I want to break free, because: 

  1. It is almost impossible to make sure that everything you do is to the liking of these "stakeholders" (its almost impossible even if its just one "stakeholder", let along multiple)
    [Your every action does not make you happy, otherwise you would be happy 24x7, 365 days a year and 366 in a leap year, and you would have attained nirvana - so when you cant live up to your own expectations, how  can it be possible to make sure that every action of yours makes this "stakeholder" happy?]
  2. No matter how big a "doormat" or "people pleaser" you are, there are bound to be instances when you want to do something for your own happiness (probably feeling extremely guilty about it) and the "stakeholder" doesn't agree! Man, you've got yourself into a Big Loser situation here
    [If you do what you like, you end up feeling guilty and sad because the "stakeholder" is not happy, and I'm sure the strong words against your plans from the "stakeholder" would also pinch you. If you don't do what you want - well you've lost any way] 
  3. It is against my resolution! Period.


So, now that I have this sorted out, all that is left is a plan to achieve this freedom!

The curious incident of the dog in the night-time

As strange as it sounds, this is the name of a book (by Mark Haddon) that I finished reading yesterday.

An interesting, quick, and fun read:

Interesting: A detective story, where the 15 year old protagonist plays the role of the detective. The plot involves all the quintessential elements of a thriller - murder, drama, suspense, unexpected twists and turns, deceit.. you name it and its there!

Quick: Well as I mentioned, the protagonist is 15 years old (Christopher) so its written in a very straightforward way

Fun: This is a pretty integral part of the book. Thanks to Christopher's love for mathematics and science the reader gets to solve puzzles, learn about interesting facts and so on..


Christopher's very simple interpretation of day to day activities, the way people behave, people in general, the world overall.. is overwhelming! yup its simple and yet overwhelming, because it strips off all the self imposed/ societal layers and brings to bear human life in its most basic form.. where hunger, thirst, the fear of death, and desire to live dictate your actions...
Although that is true for most of the story, you realize that it is also what you expect from Christopher (won't elaborate on why, as that would give away too much of the story)..

Christopher surprises the reader by adding on layers of more human emotions - aspirations and goals (although, very simple in nature -but I would not stress too much on that, coz what is simple for one can be overly ambitious for another)..
The realization does make you feel ashamed for putting people in buckets and laying down guidelines on what they should do and achieve in life..


The contrast between Christopher's reactions to situations and his emotions, to those of his parents and others around him is quite thought provoking and does make you reflect on your own actions and reactions.


All in all its a pretty good read!

 

PS: I have put down what I felt like when I read the book and have therefore, refrained from talking about the story - which you can always rely on wiki for :)

The Age of Reason

So.. here's how I resolve to live my life:

Live every day with the aim of maximizing that given moment's happiness (without indulging in anything which is illegal, or hurts others) and do not try to make your thoughts conform to any pre-conceived/ defined patterns... notions etc.. you get the drift, right?

I know this seems kind of out of context here, but I reached this resolution while I was reading The Age of Reason. And I thought perhaps this is my interim resolution while I wait to attain the Age of Reason.

Okk so about the book..  even though I am sure there were parts of the book I did not understand completely, I loved it. I am not sure why I liked it so much though. It could be because of the very honest assessment of the character's feelings and their personalities.. it created such a vivid
image that you could almost feel it.. makes it easy to relate to the real world too (even though the book is set in late 1930'a Paris, the time or place does not prevent it from applying to general human emotions)


I also liked the fact that unlike philiosophy books in general, which assumes you have a philosophy and english teacher at your disposal to explain everything to you.. this one was an easy read. You could even read it just for the story, without dwelling too much on the philosophical angles... and thats commedable I feel.


Next, there were some really good lines that I liked...

"Friendship does not exist to criticize, its function is to inspire confidence"

"Thats what existence means: draining one's own self dry, without the sense of thirst"

"All this was so natural, so normal, so monotonous. It was enough to fill a life. It was life."

"Youth is fantastic, so vivid on the surface. But no feeling inside it."

"Your sister's taste is bad, but its better than impeccable good taste - its profoundly bad taste"


About the characters:

Mathieu:

The central character of the story. I loved this charater. The book reveals how different people perceive him or expect him to be and at the same time as the reader, you know what he thinks about him self. He is extremely self aware and also very perceptive of what people around him are thinking... He has moments when he realizes he's been living in a false belief of freedom and has been waiting (perhaps too long) for the moment to escape...

"He waited. And during all that time, gently, stealthily, the years had come, they had grasped him from beind: all thirty-four of them. He ought to have taken his decision at twenty five."

" He thought, "I am no longer waiting. I have cleared myself into a being that cando nothing but wait. I am now empty, it is true, but I am waiting for nothing"

At the end of the book he tells himself "It's true, its absolutely true: I have attained the Age of Reason"

You can not help feeling sorry for him as he is left with nothing. "Free" in Daniel's words, but Mathieu realizes all too well that in the quest for freedom he had lost what he really cared for.

It was all for nothing!


Boris and Ivich:

I've clubbed the two because they seem to share an inherent desire to be one individual in two bodies.

They also share a lot of common charateristics:

They both have a fear of getting old and imagine that life should end after 30. They live in their own romanticized worlds with strong pre-conceived notions of how one should act, think, feel, etc in order to be completely "free". In a way that is a self defeating thought process! and just emphasizes that they are still discovering themselves and probably want to be "free just as they would follow a fashion trend.

They do however in some respects have very opposite views on Mathieu.
Boris views him with respect and admiration.. as "free". But he does not aspire to be like Mathieu. He views Mathieu as only a stage in his
life and feels that once Mathieu has served his purpose in Boris' life, he must be forgotten. Again, thats how he wants himself to think. Over and over again its clear that there are few natural thoughts in his mind. Most of them are forced by his notion of what is the ideal thought.

Ivich on the other hand pretends to hate Mathieu while she constantly seeks comfort in his company, more so in moments of distress. She
"acts" in order to ensure that she is brutal and cold to Mathieu, probably driven by the fact that Mathieu makes no attempt to hide his affection for her. Its like the very fact that his affection for her is out there in the open, drives Ivich to act indifferent towards him. On two instances she lets her gaurd down and expresses her affection for Mathieu, but retracts into her shell even more quickly.


Marcelle:

Mathieu's mistress.. The victim (of circumstances or her own doings, I'm not sure).

What gets to you about her is her hollow and weak personality. While all the other charaters share common threads in their personality, she's the most different. She's a mere mortal in the world of the free souls of Mathieu, Boris, Ivich, Daniel... She's been Mathieu's mistress for seven years and yet does not have the courage to voice her own opinions and gets harried when Mathieu (unknowingly or probably pretending to be ignorant) assumes that she agree's with his beliefs. Her innocence or pehaps feeble mindedness also makes her an accomplice in Daniel's plans to revenge on Mathieu.


Daniel:

Perhaps the most complex character in the book. Or may be I just could not understand him properly. He is not free from the worldly emotions
of hatred, love, and therefore Mathieu's impervious personality and eternally calm exterior gets to him and is probably the cause of his hatred for him. Throughout the story he plots and conspires to ruin Mathieu's life and destroy his freedom. In the end he goes meet Mathieu, just to see his solid exterior break and feel satisfied. That is the only moment when he does not hate Mathieu.

Coming back to his complex personality, his personality has traits of both narcissism and sadomasochism (I just learnt that this was a word,
a combination of sadism and masochism.

One one hand, he hates himself - to the point being suicidal. But lacks the courage to afflict pain on to himself directly, so he goes about iin rather cruel ways.. for instance, he thought of drowning his cats as a punishment to himself. Even that he could not carry out. Which leads us to his love for himself! He has immense confidence in his good looks and charming personality.


There are other charaters in the book.. I dont have much to write about them..


All in all a good read. I am pretty sure I will read the other 2 in the trilogy soon :)

Judging a book by its cover?

So there is this gang of guys standing in front of me... dressed in pathani suits and talking in loud voices. I had no intentions of mingling with them and kept my distance and tried to read my book (standing) under the tree... After some time this one lady came and she seemed pretty lost and approached the “gang” to figure out where she should go... I certainly took her for a fool to be going and asking them for help!

But before I could offer my words of wisdom, the guys, whom I took to be first rate loafers, had already directed her to the right gate and offered other information and that too very politely, I must add!

There I was with my book, pretending to belong to some so called intelligentsia and judging these people. Well I realize that now, but its hard to criticise oneself too much and I didn’t think too much of it then.

My subconscious dismissed this as a one off case and went back to the task of judging every second person..


An all too feminine shrill voice “Uff! its soo hot and bright here. Yahan to I will get skin burn!! (Thin thin.. )”.. docile/ servile male counterpart, obviously overwhelmed at having found a fair maiden like her “are aap thoda aage ho jao.. take care.. all the best.. I am waiting here”.. How I hate such people! Its like they live in their own fantasy world and I always imagine “such people” to either have negligible grey matter or they don’t know about it if they do have it!


Next, I’m inside and there are two young women (as I imagined from their voice) chit chatting behind me.. . It was right behind me and fairly loud and I didn’t really have a lot to do, so couldn’t avoid eavesdropping. Female A (I don’t intent the word “female” in a derogatory sense here, I don’t even understand whats derogatory about it.. but any way.. ) had a heavy American accent and I learnt from the conversation that she’d been to US once for 6 months.

6 months! Can you beat that! And she comes back with this heavy accent!

And this other girl, Female B, she had a Punjabi accent and was talking about shopping and malls etc . So, obviously my subconscious had gotten at work and started putting faces to the voices. The accent had biased me heavily and I expected Female A to be a prim and proper well made up young girl, who’s all about appearances! And Female B to be a wannabe Female A...

I really wanted to turn around and bask in the glory of my accurate assessment! Although Female B was a wannabe Female A (of my version). Female A was quite the opposite!


Did i learn my lesson? No! Instead I moved on to judging myself.

 

All this while I had been sitting there with my book while most of the other people were a bit anxious about what would happen or were trying to make conversation with their neighbours (like A & B) etc. But I was sitting there trying to project a cool nonchalant persona... I think for some time I did manage to actually read and not step out and look at myself and assess what image I was presenting. But not for all the time. And so in reality I was still as concerned about the environment I was in as everyone else, I was just pretending to be “oh so cool” about it.


Thankfully the visa lady had done here assessment beforehand so she did not spend a lot of time in passing down her judgment on me! And I was out of there!

Not so pretty

Just got back from a biz trip to korea..

 

Spent 15hrs traveling.. To be more precise, sitting (as i get to travel only in economy), sleeping while sitting, eating, reading a novel, dozing off while reading a novel, and so on! And by the end of it you not only feel exhausted but also wasted. The two sound contradictory.. I got exhausted in getting wasted! But that's exactly how i felt..

Also i felt particularly unhappy about my appearance. My 20kg laptop bag and over-sized handbag may also have made a significant contribution to that. I know appearance is the least of the worries on one's mind while traveling but considering that i was coming from Korea, where plastic surgery is as common place as getting lozenges for a sore throat and -18 degree celcius doesnt deter anyone from walking around (outside) in mini skirts.. i should be given some concession..

All in all it was not a very nice day..

 

Let me bring it to an end and try going to sleep.